Chris Christie Says He Will Not Run in 2016...to Go Sailing?

By Sailor Keddy -

TRENTON - In a dramatic move that has stunned not only Republicans in Washington but has sent waves from coast to coast, Chris Christie has announced that he will not be running for the nation's highest office in 2016. From his home in Trenton Tuesday afternoon, he stated he will instead "pursue a quietly held lifelong dream of living and cruising on a small sailboat." 

When asked why this sudden change of course occurred, Christie looked away from the cameras and other press members, and gazed somberly into the distance for a moment before saying, "I just can't do it anymore. It's gotten to the point where even I don't believe half the crap that comes out of my mouth. I'm not apologizing for anything as Governor, but I have to admit I haven't been at my best the past few years."

Sources close to the Governor said in recent months he has been furiously reading the blog and newly published book, both titled I Hate Shoes, of New Jersey resident and veteran seaman, Scott 'Sailor' Keddy. "He always keeps the blog open in a tab in his browser, and hits refresh a few times a day, at least," confessed a top aid to the former presidential hopeful. Keddy has been hired as the mental, physical and spiritual guide for Christie as he transitions from high-profile GOP politician to wayward vagabond sailor.

"I am genuinely looking forward to working with him" Keddy said in a phone interview following the Governor's announcement. "There is a lot of work to be done. He and Mary [Christie's wife since 1986] will be joining my fiance and me in Florida on our 30 foot ketch as soon as we can sever ties with his political career."

Christie is wasting no time, and has already put multiple items owned by New Jersey's First Family on Craigslist at the behest of Keddy. "It's the first step in a long process of shedding one's old life, habits and material possessions to clean the slate," Keddy explained. When asked what goals Christie was looking to achieve out of this radical and unexpected life decision, he replied, "The only goal Chris Christie has, for the foreseeable future, is to find out who Chris Christie really is. See you out in the chop!"



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